I'll Cry if I Want to
by The Masked Otaku
Summary: It's Christian's first birthday since he married Olli. The day starts with celebrations and joy, but will it end that way? It's often said that love makes one blind, overriding logic and even sanity. Sometimes this is for the best. Sometimes it's for the worst.
A/N: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. This is a short story that I have had in my head for the past few years but never manage to sit down and write out, until now. Please note there is no wrong interpretation to the ending. It is what you want it to be. That being said this fic takes place shortly after Christian and Olli are married. If you're like me, you only count their first marriage since the new writers to the series ruined pretty much anything after that… I may still be bitter about how their storyline ended.

CHROLLI FOREVER!

I STILL BELIEVE!

Now that I've fully embarrassed myself by fanboying out, please enjoy the fic and review. Also, check out my other Chrolli story " _I Love You So Much_ ".

 **I'll Cry if I Want to**

"Wake up Christian." Olli whispered into his husband's ear. After getting no response he repeated himself, this time kissing and nibbling on his neck. It didn't take long before his bedmate started to stir. "Five more minutes." Christian grumbled, tugging the bed sheets up to protect his exposed skin.

But Olli persisted. "Christian. Christian." He repeated his name after every light kiss to his cheek. Eventually the blonde-haired man sighed before turning over toward him. He opened his eyes. "What?"

"Happy birthday." Olli replied with a smile that proceeded to make him immediately melt. Despite being awoken, Christian couldn't help but to smile back before giving him a proper kiss.

"Thank you Olli." He said, resting his head back down on the pillow. He then quickly looked at his watch. "But do we have to get up so early? It's the weekend."

"Yes, but Gregor and Luise will be coming with the twins this afternoon and we still have a lot to prepare for your party this evening before they arrive." Olli was dedicated to keeping a schedule. After all this was Christian's first birthday since they had been married and the first time since the wedding that they would be able to see Gregor and his family. He wanted to get things done early so that they could have time to enjoy the afternoon and evening.

"I'm still sleepy though." Christian pouted.

"Hmm… I may know of a way to help wake you up." There was a seductive tone to Olli's voice.

Christian's interest was peaked. "Oh yea?" He responded with matching tone.

"Breakfast in bed!" Olli announced playfully, jumping out of their bed. However, before he could take one step, Christian had grabbed his arm. "Come here." He said, laughing and pulling Olli back. As Olli fell back onto the bed, Christian rolled on top of him, pinning him down. He had a devilish look in his eyes that Olli knew all to well.

"Breakfast can wait."

* * *

"Yes… Yes… OK no worries Charlie." Olli spoke with his Aunt over the phone, jotting various numbers on a notepad and at the same time getting various food items out of the fridge. He was in full multi-task mode when a knock came at the door. "Ack. Andi, can you get that? Constantin's in the shower." He called out to his flat-mate before returning to his call. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

Andi came out from his bedroom just in time to hear a second knock. "Yea Yea. I'm coming, settle down." He yelled. Opening the door, he was greeted with someone carrying two large brown paper bags filled with food and party supplies. "Who's behind all there." He joked.

"You're girlfriend who is about to collapse if she has to take one more step with these things." Helena replied as she shoved the heavier bag into Andy's arms. She quickly then made her way past him, setting her share on the kitchen table while letting out an exhausted sigh. "Ugh, I never realized how much party stuff we have." She then plopped in a chair and started to massage her aching legs.

Andi chuckled as he started to unload the contents of the bags and organize everything. However, he soon realized something was missing. "Helena. Did you bring the punch bowl?"

"Oh Scheisse!" She cursed. As she said this Constantin came out of the bathroom, rubbing his damp hair with a small towel. "Hey Helena." He greeted. "What's wrong?"

"I forgot the punch bowl for Christian's party." She moped, dreading having to go back to her place for just one item.

"I think Olli has one downstairs in NoLimits." He turned to his friend. "Hey Olli." But he was greeted with a hand asking to give him a second.

"That sounds great Charlie. Tell him I will be over to pick it up sometime this afternoon. Yea… I have to run into town first. OK. See you this evening. Goodbye." He hung up the phone and went over greet Helena with a hug. "Hey Helena. Thank you so much for bringing this stuff over."

"Olli, I'm sorry but Andi just made me realize I forgot the punch bowl."

"I told her I thought you might have an extra one downstairs at NoLimits." Constantin said.

Olli nodded. "Oh yea, don't worry about it. We have one in the back room that we keep for special events."

"Oh thank goodness." Helena gave a sigh of relief as she leaned back in her chair.

"Hey Olli, did I hear you say you were going downtown?" Andi asked, referring to his friend's phone conversation.

"Oh yes." Olli confirmed with glee as he brought out a few pieces of paper from his pocket. "I'm picking up Christian's birthday present."

"Oh cool, what did you get him?" Asked Constanin.

Helena held out her arms. "Wait, should we be talking about this? What if he overhears?"

"I thought about that." Olli smiled. "I knew you were coming over soon so I sent him out on a small errand so that I could show you guys what I bought him."

Andi laughed. "You sly dog."

"Let's see… Ah, here's the picture." Olli laid down one of the unfolded papers on the table. The others huddled around.

Helena couldn't believe her eyes. "Sly dog indeed. Isn't this…?"

Andi answered for her. "Hey yea it is. That's the watch Christian's been eyeing for awhile." He then looked up at Olli. "Wasn't it out of his price range though?"

"It was." Olli replied. "But I managed to save together some money the past few weeks and got him one."

"Olli, this is perfect. He's going to be so excited." Helena gushed.

"Well, it's his first birthday since we got married and I wanted it to be special." He was grinning ear to ear. "Oh, and I got it inscribed." He turned the paper over and pointed to a section.

"Yours and his initials… but what's this date here?" Constantin inquired.

"That was the day we officially became a couple. Although we couldn't tell anybody at the time, it truly was the start of both of our lives. Since that day we've face many challenges both as individuals and as a couple. But we made it through each one together. So I wanted to give him something special that symbolizes our love from that day in our history. I want him to be able to look down, no matter where he is, and know that each second that passes on this watch will be another second that I'm grateful for us being together, even when we are apart."

"Olli." Helena grabbed his hand and wiped a tear from her eye with her other. "That's beautiful."

Constatin agreed. "Yea man, he's going to love it."

Before anything else could be said, they heard the door begin to open. "Olli, I got the scotch tape you said we needed." Christian said as he entered the flat. His husband quickly folded the paper he had out and jammed it in his pocket.

"I think this is the right type you asked for." Christian added while inspecting his recent purchase. He then faced his friends who were all staring at him. "… What?" He asked, confused.

Helena went up to him and embraced him in a hug. "Happy Birthday Christian. We love you so much."

He glanced around, even more confused. "… For buying tape?"

Andi was quick to divert attention away from the situation. "Helena, why don't you help me start setting everything up."

"Oh, and I'll get the punch bowl from downstairs." Constantin added, making his way past Christian. Olli was right behind him. "And I need to go pick up the wine at Schneider's and a few more things for the party. I'll be back in a few hours. Love you." He kissed Christian before he closed the door behind him and Constantin. Before Christian turned back around Helena and Andy were already in the kitchen taking over where Olli left off.

His friends had dispersed so rapidly, Christian looked around before whispering to himself. "What just happened?"

* * *

"Come on Constantin do it." Helena demanded as she handed him the balloon.

He tried to refuse. "No, it's silly."

"But it's funny." Andi quipped. The others laughed.

Constantin thought of a strategy. "I'll do it if you do it with me."

"I... ugh… well." Andi stammered.

Christian joined in. "Oh yes! Do it Andi. For me?" He gave a child-like pleading face.

"Fine." He rolled his eyes before grabbing another balloon. The two stood side by side. "1… 2… 3" They both inhaled the helium and in a squeaky unison, sang and danced to an old tune.

"I'm a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my spout."

Helena was quick to snap a picture while her and Christian broke into an intense laughter.

Constantin inhaled another dose of helium. "All right guys, lets get serious."

Helena braced herself against the kitchen counter she was now laughing so hard. Christian wiped tears from his eyes. "That was super."

"Well maybe that should be your gift and I can take back what I originally got for you." Andi joked as he stood next to Helena and helped her prepare food.

Christian continued to laugh. "You have to do that for Olli when he gets back."

"One performance per birthday." Andi retorted.

Constantin was in agreement. "We'll do it for him on his birthday."

"Oh you guys are bad sports." Helena scolded them playfully.

As he settled down from his laughter, Christian noticed the time on a nearby clock. "Speaking of Olli where is he. I thought he'd be back by now."

"He's probably stuck in traffic. You know how busy it can get down-" Andi was about to say downtown before Helena delivered a light kick to his shin reminding him that was a secret. "Downnnn at Schneiders." He recovered. "I mean especially on a Saturday that area is always packed. And I think he was picking up a few extra food items at some nearby stores."

"Yea." Helena agreed. "He'll be back before you know it, just your watch-and see. YOU watch and see! Just you watch and see."

"Okaaayyyy." Christian eyed them suspiciously before being asked by Constantin for help in putting up a party banner.

Andi stared at his girlfriend. "And you think I'm bad."

"It just slipped out. Besides I don't think he noticed."

He rolled his eyes in response.

"So Christian. When are Gregor and Luise getting here?" Constantin asked.

Christian stepped down from the side of the couch he had used as a stepping stool to hang the banner. "I got off the phone with him about an hour ago and they were two train stops away. But they still have to unload, get a rental car, and navigate with two babies in tow so I think it should be another 20 minutes or so."

There was a knock at the door.

"Oh, or sooner!" Christian smiled as he made his way to the door. He made a big show of announcing his brother's arrival. "Ladies and Gentleman." He opened the door. "My brother." However his smile quickly dissipated, as he wasn't greeted by Gregor and his family, but rather by two police officers.

Helena and Andi immediately came from out of the kitchen and joined Constantin behind Christian.

"Oh, I'm sorry officers, I thought you were someone else. How can I help you?"

"Is this the residence of Oliver Sabel?"

"Yes, but he's out right now."

"And you are?"

"I'm his husband Christian Mann. Is there something I can help you with?"

The two officers looked at each other before the older one spoke up again. "Mr. Mann I'm Officer Kraus and this is Officer Weber. May we come in?"

Christian held up his hand defensively. There was something about their tone he didn't like. "Why don't you just tell me why you're here?"

Once again the officers looked at each other. "Sir, it would be better if we came in." Detective Weber insisted.

Constantin guided Christian away from the door, allowing the officers in. He, Helena, and Andi sat down at the kitchen table but Christian remained standing, arms crossed.

"Mr. Mann you may want to have a seat." Kraus suggested.

"I'm fine standing. What's this all about?"

Kraus sighed. "There is no easy way to say this but there's been an accident involving a drunk driver on Lanker St. Some pedestrians were hit and killed. One of the victims… was Oliver Sabel."

The group couldn't believe their ears. Their stomachs sank and their faces grew pale.

"No!" Andi and Constantin replied collectively while Helena held her hands to her mouth and started to cry. Christian just stood their wide-eyed in shock.

"I'm sorry for your loss. I know this probably comes as quite a shock. Officer Kraus and I wanted to tell you in person before you found out another way. And because this is an accident involving multiple people we do need someone to come down to the hospital with us to verify the body. It's a standard procedure."

There were no words. No words to capture the pain felt by everyone in that room. They were speechless. They had just seen Olli a few hours ago. This wasn't real.

Christian's mind raced. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening.

He tried to analyze what the police had just told him. "You said Lanker St… that's across Rhine River."

"That is correct sir." Kraus confirmed.

"Then it can't be him." Christian stated rather confidently.

"Excuse me sir?"

"Y-You've made a mistake. It can't be him." He turned to his friends. "Olli went to Schneider's. That's on this side of the river. It-It can't be him."

The others looked at each other. They knew Lanker St. was apart of downtown Dusseldorf. Trying his best to hold back a flood of tears Andi spoke up. "Christian. Olli was going downtown this afternoon before heading to Schneider's. He was… He was picking up your birthday present there."

Weber hung his head. He couldn't believe they were telling this man his husband was dead on his birthday. They prepared for him to become erratic as any spouse would, however Christian remained calm, but not for the better.

"No… No… you're confused." He denied. "Olli is at Schneider's."

"Mr. Mann, we know this is a lot to take in." Kraus said.

"It's a lot to take in because it's not him!"

"We found his wallet nearby. That's how we found this address." Weber explained.

"Someone must have stolen it then." Christian continued his denial, although his voice was starting to break. "There's been a rise in pickpockets recently. Look." He pulled out his cellphone. "I'll call him." He dialed Olli's number but it went straight to voicemail. He tried chuckling. "Damn Olli, always forgets to charge his phone."

Weber could see that Christian's handling of the situation was only upsetting his friends even more. "Mr. Mann, this is obviously very hard news to handle right now. Why don't you stay here with officer Kraus while one of your friends comes with me to the hospital."

"I can go." Andi volunteered as he tried to hold back more tears. He wanted to do anything to help alleviate the situation because even though he was suffering from this devastating news, he knew Christian was suffering 1000 times worse; whether the man wanted to admit it to himself or not.

"I'll come with you." Helena added. She didn't want him to face this alone and, truth be told, she needed him during this time.

However, neither of them took two steps before they were stopped.

"NO!" Christian shouted, startling everyone. He quickly collected himself the best he could, but he continued to shake from emotion. "I mean if Olli's wallet is stolen then - then he doesn't have his bus pass to get around town. And if his phone isn't charged he – he can't call us to come pick him up. …We need to go out to Schneider's and help him."

He was about to take off when Kraus stood firm against him. "Mr. Mann we aren't going to let you leave in the state that your in."

Christian's frustration started to grow. "My husband is out there and I need to find him! I need to help Olli!"

"Sir, if you don't calm down we will have to restrain you."

Christian was about to fight with him when Constantin made a suggestion. "Christian." He gently grabbed hold of his friend. "Christian, why don't you let Andi, Helena, and the officer go to the hospital. If this is a mistake, if Olli isn't there, we will help you look for him OK? We'll stay behind to wait for Gregor and Luise."

Christian thought for a moment before looking at the officers. "I'm coming with you. So that when I prove you wrong, you can help me look for my husband."

Kraus was about to protest when Andi intervened. "OK, we'll all go while Constantin waits here for Gregor and Luise. We'll be there to support each other." He looked at Weber and Kraus in a way that told them that this was how it had to be. He knew Christian wasn't going to take 'No' for an answer.

"All right." Kraus said, agreeing to the conditions. "Officer Weber and I will take you there."

* * *

"It's not him. It's not." Christian repeated over and over, shaking his head as he, along with Helena and Andi, were escorted to the Saint Vincent's Hospital by Kraus and Weber in their patrol car. It wasn't a long drive but for the three friends it felt like eternity. While none of them wanted to believe that this was happening, they couldn't deny the reality of the situation. That is with the exception of Christian who remained steadfast in his assertion that the officers were mistaken and that Olli was still alive.

Eventually, the group arrived at their destination and the officers escorted them to the morgue in the basement of the hospital. As Helena and Andi descended the stairs behind Christian, neither of them could understand how a day that was supposed to be filled with life and happiness was now a day filled with death and sorrow.

The three were lead to hallway were a large window separated them from the interior of the morgue. Kraus and Weber instructed them to wait while they entered and alerted one of the attendants of their presence.

Christian continued to pace impatiently while Andi and Helena consoled each other. He repeated the same thing he had been saying in the car like a mantra. After a few minutes a body covered by a white sheet was rolled out on a gurney in front of the window. Christian stopped his pacing and studied the outline carefully.

As Andi gave a nod to the officers to lift the sheet Christian turned his back to the window. "It's not him Andi. It's not. We're wasting our time here."

The sheet was drawn partway down the body to reveal the face.

Helena's knees gave out from under her as she leaned against her boyfriend and sobbed. Christian looked at them. "It's not…" His voice was weaker now.

"Christian." Andi said through tears of his own, not breaking his eye contact with what he was seeing.

Slowly, Christian turned back around towards the window.

There, on a cold metal slab, laid the body of Oliver Sabel, his husband.

"O-Olli?" His voice cracked. It was as if, at that moment, someone had ripped out his soul and crushed it in front of him.

He put his hands up on the glass. 'It couldn't be'. 'It was impossible'. These thoughts raced through his head as he tried to rationalize what he was seeing. But he was seeing it. And there was no denying the man in front of him was his husband. The man he loved with every fiber of his being. Dead.

Christian remained motionless. All physical feeling had left his body as he tried to comprehend this tragedy.

Andi gave a nod to the officers to let them know the body they had was indeed their friend Olli. Officer Weber then came out to deliver Olli's personal affects before rejoining his partner in the other room. In a plastic bag that he had handed over was a wallet, a cracked cellphone, and a broken watch – Christian's birthday present – with the time stopped at the moment Olli had been hit and killed.

Andi clutched the bag as he began to sob with Helena.

The sheet was placed back over Olli's body.

"No." Christian whispered. "NO OLLI." He screamed out as he banged on the window. "OLLI!"

Andi rushed to his side and grabbed him. "He's gone Christian. He's gone."

"NO. IT'S NOT HIM!" Christian screamed again.

"It is him!" Andi showed his friend Olli's personal belongings that had just been given to him.

Christian glared at Andi and suddenly, with tremendous force, threw him against the wall.

"Christian!" Helena screamed as she went over to her boyfriend's side to see if he was hurt. The commotion caused Kraus and Weber to run back out into the hallway.

"No, this – this isn't real." Christian began to hyperventilate. "This is a just a dream. This is a bad dream. I-I need to wake up."

"Weber go get backup." Kraus ordered as he tried to approach Christian. "Mr. Mann."

"Stay away from me!" He yelled back as he distanced himself from everyone. "I – I need to wake up. This is a nightmare and I just need to wake up. Olli can't be dead. This isn't real!" His behavior quickly became erratic and he began hitting himself over the head. "I don't want this. I want to wake up. I want to wake up. I want to wake up!" Then, all of a sudden he stopped as it dawned upon him what he needed to do. He had been cognizant in nightmares before and there was one way he could always wake up from them. Without hesitation he ran towards the stairwell and started to head upwards.

"Mr. Mann!" Kraus shouted as he chased after him. Andi quickly got to his feet and the followed suit with Weber and Helena.

As Christian approached the top of the first flight of stairs he saw Constantin and Gregor enter from one of the side doors.

Upon seeing his brother running toward him, Gregor tried to grasp what was going on. "Christian, wha-" But he was cut short as Christian knocked both of them to the side, slowing down the pursuit of Kraus and the others.

"It's not real. It can't be real." He continued to say aloud as he continued running up the stairs at full force. "I need to wake up."

Further he went and with each flight of stairs the stress, not only on his mind, but also his heart, grew. By the 9th floor his chest was in a tremendous amount of pain from the physical exertion but he refused to stop or slow down. "It isn't real. It's just a nightmare. I'm going to wake up and Olli's going to be by my side, like always. This isn't real." Then he came across what he was looking for.

'Roof Access'

He busted through the door, taking deep gasps of the fresh air.

A few seconds later the officers and his friends came through the same exit but then immediately halted their approach with what they saw.

Christian stood on the ledge of the building looking 9 stories down onto the street below.

"Christian!" His brother yelled out. "Stop!"

Christian faced his friends, the wind rustling through his hair. He gave them a smile.

"This is just a bad dream… I'm going to wake up now."

The next sound anyone heard were the screams of their own voices as Christian let his body fall off the side of the building, onto the street below.

Then…

...Silence

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"Wake up Christian."


End file.
